American Bandit

Who: Americon, Blitzwing, Bumblebee
IC Year: 2029
Location: Earth
TP: Human Nature


<Decepticon> Soundwave, after those several minutes, appears to turn off the entire system. No static, no signal, no nothing. Then, clearly, and in his usual multi-layered voice, he can be heard speaking: "Soundwave reporting. Status requested."

<Decepticon> Americon says, "Soundwave!!? I'm so glad you're alive and not human! I am fine, although human, but still very American!"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Hello, Soundwave. That was you messing with the frequency? Many of our loyal soldiers have been turned into humans. I'm giving out human cellular phones to link into the radio system. Where are you? Were you affected?"

<Decepticon> Soundwave says, "Status and location undisclosed. Unable to report directly to Argosy."

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Undisclosed? Well do you want me to send someone to get you?"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Hey, was Scourge affected?"

<Decepticon> Blitzwing says, "Dang, it'd be a great chance to tweak his beard, heh heh."

<Decepticon> Soundwave says, "Negative. Will provide communications support until further notice."

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Alright. Good luck, wherever you are, Soundwave."


Feast your un-American eyes on Keith Howard, the most patriotic man on the planet! You can tell he's a patriot because he has a bandanna patterned after the American flag on his head. Like any true American, Keith Howard is tall and muscular, ready to kick a Communist's ass anytime, anywhere. His hair is golden yellow, kinda spiky, and peeks out from under his bandanna. Keith's face is largely unshaven, since like any real American he has better things to do than shave all the damn time, like some fruity Frenchman. His facial expressions include sneering, smirking, and expressions of pure horror.

Clothing-wise, did I mention the American-y bandanna? He also has a pair of spiffy sunglasses, a studded denim jacket, wristbands, red shirt, brown boots, and blue jeans. Around his neck is a chain which holds a golden cross. Like some sort of a card-playing sexy biker thug, Keith Howard is here and he's ready to kick your ass... in America!

Blitzwing has arrived.

With a loud clanging and clunking Blitzwing rearranges himself into his imposing humanoid form.

Bumblebee becomes the robot we know and love!

Outskirts of Los Angeles, California

Los Angeles, the City of Angels, is anything but. It is a city of people, many, many, many people. Skyscrapers extend to the smog-filled heavens while cars crowd the roads. It is a center of power and wealth, where the arts flourish and the celebrated make their homes. One of the nation's most ethnically diverse cities, communities range from Chinatown and Little Tokyo to the genuine Mexican markets on Olvera Street as well as thriving Korean and Middle Eastern cultures.

Contents: Blitzwing Bumblebee L.A. Police Station Autobot Sensor #3396

Los Angeles. Home of true Americans. And some Mexicans who didn't come here legally. Well, a lot of Mexicans actually (don't talk about it though, or you'll offend someone!). But there are still some Americans here, and one of them is... KEITH HOWARD!

"Excuse me, ma'am!" Keith says, standing at a drive through window. No, he does not have a car. "I desire your hamburgers, and you will give them to me, because I am an American!"

The poor fellow taking his order just stares at him in shock and disbelief.

Or woman, rather. Or maybe Keith is having trouble seperating genders.

Blitzwing unfolds and reconfigures himself rapidly, wings snapping out and locking into position as he assumes his aerial form.

MiG-25 "Foxbat" is in disguise! It's not very convincing since he is a Russian jet fighter and this is, as Americon would be quick to point out, America. But then, it's LA, stranger things have been seen! At the moment he's circling over the city in wide passes searching for any of the wayward pseudohuman Decepticons.

Bumblebee was driving by as his volkswagon state when he passes by the drivethru. without looking too suspicious he pulls in and proceeds through the drivethru, waiting in line with the other cars behind the human.

Bumblebee becomes the extra cute little yellow VW bug!

"S-sir, uh, you need MONEY if you want, uh, Hamburgers," the drive-thru chick says.

"I have something BETTER than money," Keith says, grinning confidently, then pulls from his pocket... gaming cards?! "These rare cards! They will sell for a large amount of money on Ebay!"

The drive-thru chick is shocked for a moment before screaming, "I NEED A MANAGER!!!"

Some of the cars behind him start to honk as their drivers get impatient.

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy says, "EWWWW... something's oozing!!!"

Keith Howard holds up a hand to the poor woman. "Uh, hold on a sec." He begins to talk into his cellphone for a moment. The honking increases.

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy whimper, "Soundwave, where are you???"

<Decepticon> Americon says, "FRENZY! I'm so glad that you're alright and not human!"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Sweet Primus... w-where are you, Frenzy?"


<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy says, "All I know is that I can barely move and I can't feel my transistors!!!!"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Can you see anything?"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "How are you radioing us?"

Bumblebee honks his horn with the people infront of him, so no one will think he is just some haunted car driving itself...

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy says, "No!! It's really dark!!"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "The radio, Frenzy, how are you radioing us?"

<Decepticon> Americon says, "Maybe you're in hell, Frenzy! You have to fight the devil to get out!"

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy says, "WAAAAAAAH!!!! SCRAPPER I CAN'T EVEN HEAR THE DRUMS!!!!"

<Decepticon> Soundwave says, "Frenzy. Last known location: experiment section of Argosy Medical."

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Experiment Section? What experiments do we even have running there?"

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy sniffs.

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy says, "Scraps??"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Yes Frenzy?"

<Decepticon> Soundwave says, "Mechanical. Biologic. Assumption: current location of frenzy corresponds to biologic experiment number one-zero-one-five- nine."

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy says, "What the hell is a stomach and what the hell is a catatafish??"

Keith Howard closes up his cellphone. "I am SORRY, someone was complaining on Deceptic--er, I mean, NON-Decepticon communications frequencies. Yes. I am an AMERICAN, and most certainly not a Decepticon." He stares at the chick for a moment. "Uh. My hamburgers, please?"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "I don't know. Let me wikipedia those things. How do you spell catatafish?"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Ok a stomach is a device inside a human that breaks down fuel and converts it to energy."

Bumblebee stops honking to try and not bring attention to himself. He just remained in line, being a good little VW Bug, waiting for Keith to do something.

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "I can't find anything on catatafish."

<Decepticon> Give him some catnip Rampage says, "That's because it's Catfish."

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy says, "I don't know!! Some king creature thing told me to venture into the stomach and find the catatafish or else I will surely die!!"

<Decepticon> Give him some catnip Rampage says, "Did you run into Lemmiwinks, Frenzy?"

<Decepticon> Scrapper says, "Wow... this... wow, ok, hey, Rampage?"

Keith Howard scowls at the lady. "VERY WELL! I shall take my burgers from you, one way or the other, because I am very hungry and I cannot be stopped!" And without further ado, he hops up into the window and crawls in! Mass screaming ensues!

<Decepticon> Not Rumble but Frenzy sniffs. "Truly this is my most epic adventure yet... and I thought the time I seceded from the Empire was pretty epic."

Bumblebee remains perfectly still in line, although now people probably peeking their heads out of the windows of their cars to see what is happening.

Keith Howard crawls out of that same window, eating a triple hamburger with one hand while carrying out with him in his other arm about a week's worth of extra hamburgers. He begins to walk away calmly, as if nothing happened.

MiG-25 "Foxbat" intercepts a radio transmission sent out on the Decepticon wavelength and banks towards it, swinging in over the city. It seems to be emanating from a fast food place? It must be the humanised Americon!

Bumblebee remains in line however he tries to keep this human in his sight. Even going so far as to driving out of the drive thru with people who got tired of waiting and havent ordered yet.

Keith Howard begins to walk down the sidewalk as he devours his hamburger, occasionally muttering, "Inf Amferica." He gets stares from passers-by and the occasional illegal immigrant, but he keeps walking as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Spotting him from the air shouldn't be too hard thanks to his uber-patriotic bandanna.

Bumblebee drives along back a good distance, to look like he wasnt following the human. He even took some streets away from the human but only streets where he can keep an eye on the human.

You receive a radio message from Soundwave: Cease stealing consumables. Operation is covert.

MiG-25 "Foxbat" streaks down and transforms in midair, dropping into the parking lot of the burger joint with a resounding crash which sets off car alarms and cracks windows, sending patrons ducking their heads and running for cover. "Americon! HEY! Americon!" he shouts, looking around- he doesn't know what Americon looks like, just that he was transmitting from around here somewhere.

With a loud clanging and clunking Blitzwing rearranges himself into his imposing humanoid form.

You send a radio message to Soundwave: *munchmunch* Ermphf, ash shyou commansh, Shoundwave! *munchgulp*

Keith Howard suddenly stops and looks around. "Shomeone call my former name?" he says, in between bites. He begins to wander back towards the yelling sound, walking right by Bumblebee. Shouldn't he see Blitzwing by now, already?

Bumblebee drives on by Americon, not changing in speed but drives off in an alley out of both their sights. He shifts himself as quietly as he could, trying to not cause attention. Upon doing so, he tries to move quietly back towards them, but being sure to remain out of sight, remaining behind buildings.

Bumblebee becomes the robot we know and love!

Blitzwing is over thirty feet tall and is shouting at roughly the volume of a Sonic Youth concert, so one would think he would be noticable. He reaches down and peels up the roof of the burger barn, peering inside. "Hey, meatsack. Have you seen another meat-creature just now who was... really, really patriotic?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" is the response Blitzwing gets from the employees. Meanwhile, Americon has walked right up to Blitzwing's leg, and stares up at him as he continues to eat his hamburger.

"Hmph, you're no use," Blitzwing grumbles, setting the roof back down in a general kind of way. Half of it collapses into the building with a dry crash, sending employees scattering out the doors. "AMERI- oh, hey, there you are. That is you, right?" he asks, noticing a human who isn't afraid and is standing there looking up at him (like tapes do).

Keith Howard finishes off his current burger, wiping his hand off on his jeans. "It WAS Americon... but now... you can call me... KEITH HOWARD! Or... you can call me... BANDIT KEITH!" He gestures at the fast food restaurant. "Because I STEAL things, and I steal them..." Dramatically, he rips off his sunglasses and smirks. "IN AMERICA!"

Bumblebee continues to watch them, being sure to move away when he thinsk they will look to him. He continues to sneak about, trying to spy on them without getting caught.

Blitzwing crouches down with a grinding and a ratcheting sound, hands on thighs. "So you stole those flesh-pods to refuel yourself? Good to see you're keeping busy. Where's Soundwave? Isn't he looking after you?"

Blitzwing hasn't noticed Bee, squinting down at the tiny Americon/Bandit Keith for the time being.

At this point a police car drives up, sirens blaring. However, perhaps because the officers inside got a look at Blitzwing, they wisely decide to keep on driving.

"INDEED! These flesh-pods are very tasty, and made with all-American beef!" Keith says, putting his sunglasses back on. "I do not know where Soundwave is! I got a call from him and he told me to stop stealing consumables, which was very easy, since I just finished stealing them and no longer needed to steal them!"

Bumblebee continues to spy on them. He moves from his position via an alleyway and gets a better angle of the two. He remains hidden behind an apartment complex, occasionally looking around the building to see what they are doing, but listening more to them.

Blitzwing brandishes a ka-bar knife the size of a man at the police car as it pulls up. "Don't start none, won't be none," he warns them, then adds "that's right, keep on moving," as they wisely roll away again. He looks back down to Keith. "So have you constructed a field base or commandeered a human dwelling or what? You must have some base of operations here even if just to rest in."

Keith Howard smirks, looking sly. "I did! I noticed a man sleeping on a bench, covering himself with newspapers! So, I pulled him off, beat the crap out of him, and I took his spot! Now *I* sleep on the bench!" His smirk fades. "It isn't very comfortable!"

Bumblebee continues to listen in, not looking at them now cause of the cop car nearby. He remains as quiet as he can as he focuses on them.

Blitzwing explains, "Look, I'm supposed to round up the Decepticons who've gotten meatified, or at least check on them, for Onslaught. We're making sure everybody's doing okay until Scrapper can get this fixed. Tomorrow I gotta go rip open a couple EDC bases and find Runamuck, Laserbeak says the stupid bloodsacks grabbed him and threw him in jail." He laughs briefly. "What did they think was going to happen when we found out? Now they're gonna get it Triple-style. Anyhow, you want me to take you anywhere?"

Someone in an SUV beeps impatiently at Blitzwing, who is blocking the drive-thru of the half-collapsed McDonald's. "It's closed," says Blitzwing, reaching over and flipping the SUV over like a turtle. The driver holds very still for several seconds before venturing to open the door and run away.

Keith Howard thinks for a few moments. Where WOULD he go? "Hmm... I would like to stay somewhere where there is a comfortable BED! That would be nice. Most Americans have them. And a fridge, for my hamburgers! Other than that, I am not very picky, so long as I do not sleep on a bench anymore!"

Blitzwing picks up the SUV, which is still running, and sets it back on its tires. "I don't think we have anything set up on the airbase yet, but well, here, here's a vehicle... lemme see, just a second here." He lifts the collapsed roof off of the McDonald's and rummages around inside it with one arm until he finds a safe. "Here we go, they use this stuff as money, like energon chits except these things are useless apart from being money, don't know why they accept it anyhow." Blitzwing cracks the safe open on the tarmac like an egg and shakes it until the contents spill out onto the parking lot.

Bumblebee just remains quiet, occasionally peeking out but goes back to hiding and listening in.

Blitzwing warns Bandit Keith, "And be a smart bandit, don't let the Autobots know where you're staying! I don't want to have to bust you out too. Autobot jail's a lot harder for me to break into than puny meat jails."

Blitzwing doesn't sound too upset about it though. He probably enjoys getting to put his commando skills to some use.

Keith Howard smirks at Blitzwing, "Excellent! American dollars! The only currency that I accept!" He begins to scoop up handfuls of them and shoves them into his pockets. Eventually they are bulging and overflowing with green bills, like he's the world's most obvious bank robber. "I shall stay at a Best Western motel!" Keith shouts. "Don't fear, I won't tell the Autobots where I am, although surely that I will be... IN AMERICA!" He struts over to the SUV, opening the door and hopping into the driver's seat. Since the roof is somewhat caved, and he doesn't enough room for his head, in he has to sit down a bit hunched over. "Off I go!" he cries triumphantly as he starts the engine.

Blitzwing straightens up with a loud clicking and rumbling sound, putting his hands on his hips. "Well, my work here is done," he says with satisfaction, looking around for any Autobots or other shady characters while Bandit Keith tools away in his BRAND NEW CAAAAAR.

Bumblebee remains hidden, going almost completely to the ground to let the apartment building completely hide him from view. He continues to listen in and slowly begins to shift, going back to his Volkswagon form so it looks like he is someone's car who is just parked at the complex. Bumblebee becomes the extra cute little yellow VW bug!

Keith Howard's car grinds and sputters horribly, emitting noxious, black fumes, but it manages to roll out of the drive-thru nonetheless. "Haha, IN AMERICA!" he cries. The SUV's top speed was reduced to 30 mph as a result of Blitzwing's ministrations, but Keith doesn't seem to mind too much.

Blitzwing steps back out into the street, walking right by Bumblebee with a ringing thud from each step as he checks out the area just to be sure the 5 -0 aren't coming back with National Guard tanks just yet, which might cause trouble for Americon. When he's satisfied that it's clear his engines spool up and he hovers into the air, hot jet exhaust scorching the street until he's up and away and can transform to rocket into the sky.

Blitzwing unfolds and reconfigures himself rapidly, wings snapping out and locking into position as he assumes his aerial form.

Bumblebee remains perfectly still until Blitzwing was out of sight before pulling out and begins following the SUV, once again, being sure to remain a good distance away and sometimes turning into other streets which lead back far behind the SUV.

Nightbeat arrives from the Southwestern States.

Nightbeat has arrived.

MiG-25 "Foxbat" climbs rapidly away into the upper atmosphere.

Bumblebee is in his Volkswagon state as he is about four or five cars behind a SUV with a slightly caved in roof, going 30 miles per hour.

Keith Howard is driving along in his Auto-mo-bile. Dunna dun dundun dun.

The yellow Volkswagon follows a similar Yellow taxi off down another street. After a few more moments, The taxi drives back up.

Tricked-Out Porsche <Nightbeat> speeds up a little, pulling up next to Americon's SUV (but trying to keep a car or two between them whenever possible). He expertly positions himself in one of the SUV's many blind spots. Then when the street is fairly clear, he unleashes the somewhat absurd weaponry he's packing in his car mode, trying to shoot out both tires while honking his horn loudly to cover the sound of the gunfire.

"Oh, crap!" Keith shouts as his SUV suddenly loses control. Eventually it smacks into a lamp post, and the SUV's airbag deploys, smacking the Deceptihuman in the face. "BWOOMPH!" After several minutes, Keith wanders out of the SUV, holding his hamburgers in one of his arms and looking a bit dazed. "My first American car crash!" he mumbles. "You aren't an American... until you wreck your car..."

Tricked-Out Porsche <Nightbeat> drives down the street, weapons hidden again, just a normal hotrod porsche driving along, doodeedoo. He turns a corner, and then immediately you hear tires squealing as he races off.

The yellow cab pulls up to Americon. The driver is an average looking american. "Nasty spill. Need a ride?"

Keith Howard waves a hand feebly. "Uhhh... hello, fellow American! Take me to the nearest Best Western, the best American hotel!" He opens a door, and gets in the passenger seat. "In America." Looking around the interior, he notes, "Small cab. But very American."

"Alright." The driver says before the cab drives off, to drop the man off at a best western. The driver didnt talk much, but it did take him to a nearby Best Western, a decent one also, to keep Keith happy.

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